The Mysterious Mystery of Alcatraz


J.J. Abrams’ new show Alcatraz is sort of interesting. The premise is that on the day Alcatraz was shut down in 1963, everyone on the island disappeared into thin air from inmates to guards. In the present day, one by one the people who vanished are reappearing in and around San Francisco. And the returnees haven’t aged since 1963.

A team led by Emerson Hauser (played by Sam Neill) is tasked with stopping the crimes perpetrated by the returning inmates, finding out where they’ve been for 50 years and who took them.

However I do believe the show can be improved by having the intro monologue end differently each time, like a Simpson couch gag.

On March 21, 1963, Alcatraz officially closed.

All the prisoners were transferred off the island. Only that’s not what happened.

Not at all.

In lieu of “Not at all”, the producers can also insert “Not by a long shot!”, “This is what happened!”, “Something else happened!”, “No no no!”, “Oh hell naw!”, “No way, man!”, “Nuh-UH!!!”, “The island did it!” and “WAAAALT!”

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Khairul Hisham J. is a tabletop RPG artist, writer, proofreader, translator, teacher, grad student and learner-in-general.

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